Be Selfish…No, Seriously. It's Time To Be Selfish.

Much of the anguish that I felt as I was taking pills was caused by guilt. I felt guilty that I was neglecting my responsibilities. I felt guilty that I was not spending enough time with my family and not enjoying it enough even when I did spend time with my family. I felt remorse for all of the things that I wasn’t doing well or wasn’t doing at all. Guilt, guilt, guilt. No doubt many of you all feel that guilt too. It’s all part of the package of pill addiction and physical dependence of opiates.

As you know, it takes a lot of time to count those pills 5 times a day just to see how far you can push it. “Well I don’t have to worry about today because I have 6 for today and that should be fine…3 right now and then 3 later tonight. And I don’t have to worry about tomorrow either…I’ll just take 3 a day for the last week and that’ll get me through.” And then there are the obligatory trips to the doctor where you give yourself a pain rating scale of 8 instead of the 5 that you actually feel just so you can make sure you get those refills. “Yeah well you see doc, the pain’s just fine when I’m on the pills (Oh and don’t say “Norco” because that would tip them off that you’re somehow thinking about them a lot…just call them “the pain pills”…play it cooool) you gave me (another passive aggressive term that works well) but when I’m off of them, I’m in a lot of pain. Ah well, I was hoping to get off of these things (lie) but it seems like I need to keep working on my walking every day etc. I still think we’re making progress (lie).” And then after the doctors appointment there’s the waiting at the pharmacy…the waiting. Because by the time you get the refill…you are either in withdrawal because you took too much or you’re really low and feel horrible..so you wait for the pills. All of these things and other parts of the addiction or dependency take a LOT of time. Time that you should be spending doing something else or being with someone else. This creates that guilt that I’m talking about. You feel like you’re being selfish…and you are. Pills are your priority because you need to be able to function right? This is a perpetual cycle.

So most of the time that you are doing this you’re feeling all of this guilt about spending all of this time on yourself and not enjoying the things that you feel you should be enjoying. You feel like a selfish bastard. Well in many ways, when you’re addicted to pain killers, you ARE a selfish bastard. And that perpetual cycle that I was talking about gains momentum as you try to become more “available” and enjoy things more because the only way that you know how to do that is to take more pills. You’re scrambling to be the person you want to be and the only way you know how is with painkillers. So I’m telling you now that you have to be even more selfish if you’re going to be successful in taking your first step and getting your life back.

You are going to have to really sit down and have a heart-felt chat with yourself about what is best for YOU. Nobody else…just try and block everything else out. What’s best for you as an individual? Well first of all, if you’re addicted to pain killers, you know in your heart that you’re not content. You know that you don’t have much fun nowadays. You know that you don’t visit with your pals much anymore…that can’t be good. You can’t seem to get out of bed in the morning unless you take your pain killers which is not typical for a normal healthy person. You have no energy, drive, initiative and that’s really driving you bonkers. And then on top of that, you have the depression and the guilt. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth and you may not be feeling all of these things but I did towards the end. So how are you going to be selfish and focus purely on you and do what you have to do to start enjoying life again. It’s not a revelation that I’m here to tell you that I PROMISE that once you quit the pain killers, you will be helping yourself more than you can imagine.

It’s going to be hard and its going to take time but if you truly want to help yourself and if you truly want to be happier, quitting the pills is the surest bet. So I’m telling you to stop worrying about whether or not you’re a selfish person and actually be a selfish person. Fix yourself…take the first step to fixing yourself.  You’ll thank yourself for it later.

-G