The Secret Life of An Opiate Addict

If you are addicted to opiates. And when I say addicted I don’t mean just physically dependent (i.e. you take your pills as directed and don’t get a high…your body needs the pills not your mind). When I say addicted I mean that you live a life of duplicity…a secret life. As I’ve described in some other posts, this means that you hide your use from everybody, you take more than anybody knows you do and you live for those few times a day when the warm hand of satisfaction envelopes your body.

I get so many emails from people saying things like, “Wow, how did you know that I obsessively count my pills five times a day and I can tell how many pills within a 2 +/- accuracy just by shaking my pill bottle!”

Well it’s because there are millions of people just like yourself who are living a private life of shame, isolation, loneliness and desperation. I’ve said many times also that I would constantly tell myself, “Dude…George…something’s gotta give. Either you’re gonna die (I didn’t really believe that I would die…but I should have), or you’re going to find yourself naked in the back of a sheep farmer’s pick-up heading west not knowing how you got there. Or worse…people are going to find out!” Yeah, that was actually the worst scenario for some reason. After all, I had a few surgeries, I was given massive amounts of pain killers and I got hooked…it could happen to anybody right? Yes and no.

It CAN happen to anybody. I would say that 75% of my customers are physically dependent and are afraid of the withdrawals…the withdrawals really are that bad. Then there are those like me who lived a life of secrecy. I suppose only my pharmacist knew.

What’s up with that??? Any idiot at my Walgreens could have looked up my history and said, “Ummm, I think George is having an affair with Norco 10/325’s.” Yet every time I went to the pharmacy, I would get my bag of pills and they would just hand them over with a wink and smile. I know it’s not their fault and there are people who are taking as many as I did (35 per day) but don’t you think my history represented a little red flag for the pharmacist? Didn’t I warrant a little chat? Just something subtle and under the breath like, “Hi George…you seem to be on an extraordinary amount of aggressive pain killers for a 35 year old man. You know, these are pretty addictive.” Every time I went to my pharmacy I waited for that “talk” but it never came.

This wasn’t meant to be a dig on pharmacists or Walgreens but I’m still curious why I never got even the slightest rolling of the eyes or concerned gaze when I came to pick up my pills for the 4th time in one month…weird.

Anyways, back to the secret life. One of the most valuable things that I can do on this site is to tell my story and write entries like this. It has nothing to do with the supplement that I sell or the Survival Guide or any of that stuff. It has to do with putting my secret life out there… Of course I’m not the first person to bear their soul about their opiate addiction but it’s always nice to hear that someone is just as screwed up (or more) as you eh? But it was such a drain to be so secretive all of the time. Lies take a terrific amount of energy and when you’re lying to everyone including yourself, it becomes tiresome.

I didn’t have an epiphany before I quit. I’m not sure exactly what happened but I think I became simply exhausted from it all. Too much subterfuge…too much sneaking around…too much waiting for “the talk” from the pharmacist…too much. There’s a tremendous sense of relief that comes with saying, “Boy you know, I really need help” Wow…it’s a very powerful thing to say. Suddenly, everybody in your life that you’ve shut out for so long becomes part of your reality again. Suddenly, you can lean on people a little bit…a lot actually. When you say out loud, “I can’t take it anymore! I lied about everything and I’m more ashamed and more lonely than you could ever possibly imagine! Will you help me???!!” your really become amazed at how much your friends and family love you.

I know I know, losing your pills is like losing a best friend. But let me tell ya, it’s like losing one of those “best friends” that would always get you into trouble and they would never get caught…not a good friend at all. But think about it, your pills are the most important thing in your life right now and there’s no one to talk to about it! There’s only so much you can talk to yourself about..it’s an extremely lonely way to live. There’s only so much one can bear without just saying, “Sheesh, I’ve lost some control here and I’m in the midst of a one-way love affair with a pill for Pete’s sake!”

I talk all the time about taking that first step and for many of you, that first step might be to just quit and say you’re done with it..feel fortunate that you got an easy way out. But for those of you who have been leading a secret life like I did, give yourself a break. Ask for help.

Look at me! I’ve basically done what’s tantamount to dropping my pants on you-tube and I’m actually happy about it! I’ve told every embarrassing story there is to tell and every little lie that I had…on the world wide web. I’m happy that I did though; because when I was taking pills I realized that living alone was no fun at all. Telling my story on this website has been ten times easier than not telling anyone about anything (double negative?…ok moving on).

Life’s too short my friends…if you ask for help, you’ll be amazed at how much you get.

-George